Art is only one of my escapes.
Anxiety is a pain in the ass. Depression is an asshole. But when you put them together, you get this whole new level of shit to deal with.
I was diagnosed with depression when i was about 14 and anxiety at 22. I’ve had many discussions with a lot of different people about both of these issues, both professional and close family and friends. I’ve also been told that it’s all in my head and that there’s nothing really wrong with me on many occasions by some of those people. But for someone who doesn’t live with these issues on a daily basis, I can see how they would think that it’s a made up thing.
Anxiety, for me, isn’t caused by any event or moment in particular. It literally just comes out of nowhere and just fucks up everything… Kind of like the annoying neighbor kid that smelled like wet dog and everyone tried to avoid to no avail when they were younger. Having the, sometimes extremely sudden, feeling of suffocating is not fun. And the more you try to breathe and count, the harder it becomes. Which only causes you to panic and that leads to hyperventilating which leads to crying and shaking uncontrollably. It’s grand time, let me tell you. I’ve had quite quite a few anxiety attacks and I wouldn’t wish them on my worst enemy.
Depression has always been an issue for me. I’ve had my highs and my lows with my moods. Antidepressants do help, once you find the right one, the right dose, etc. But when you’re battling depression without the help of medicine that helps balance you out, it’s a thousand times harder. At first it might just be a blah type of mood that lasts for a few days. Then it lasts for weeks which then turn into months. Everyday is is a constant struggle to even get out of bed, to face the day and all It has in store. Depression doesn’t just cause mental pain, but physical and emotional as well. You can drag yourself out of the house, go join society and try to have fun. And even though you may be smiling on the outside, inside you’re just screaming “I WANT TO GO HOME!” Being alone is all you really want. You don’t want to be bothered with the everyday goings on of life. The only issue with being alone so much is that it gives you time to think. Time to think about all of the good and the bad, let’s be honest though, it’s mostly bad when you’re in in a depressed state. And all of that thinking just leads to you being more withdrawn and sad, moody, angry, etc. Eventually, for some, the nightmares start. Every night, all night, without fail, it’s just a series of the most awful dreams you could possibly have. After a while, you don’t want to go to sleep because you don’t want to see those terrible things, so you try to pull all nighters… stay up til the sun starts to shine through the trees and you sleep during during the day, because that somehow keeps the dark dreams away. The only issue with the the all nighters is, again, all of the time that you have to yourself to think. And sooner or later, those dark thoughts start to creep in. Slowly at first and then they’re an all consuming entity that takes over your mind and ways soon as the sun sets every evening. And before you can even comprehend what’s going on, your thoughts start to become filled with a darkness you didn’t even know was possible. Constantly thinking about death and things of that nature. You may try to reach out to people, some may be there to try to understand or help in any way they can. Others may choose to turn their backs when you need them most because they don’t understand, or don’t want to understand, because, hey… it’s all in your head. Right?
Try adding the feeling of suffocating from the weight of the world on your chest with those dark thoughts and nightmares and you might decide that you can’t take anything anymore. You might think about just wanting to end everything so you don’t feel that pain anymore.
Well, let me tell you, if you can make it through all of those things. The feelings of suffocating, worthlessness, self loathing, the thoughts of death and the ridiculous nightmares, etc… then you can make it through anything. That may sound silly to some, but being able to overcome your own demons and being able to escape your own mind shows true strength. You don’t have to prove prove to anyone except yourself that you can do it. Find a hobby to occupy your mind. Crank the music and dance around around the house when you feel sad. Take an art class. Just go for art drive. Make a new friend who, unbeknownst to them, saves you from yourself. Sometimes, even something as simple as arts hug is all a person needs to lift their mood. Even only just slightly. Or maybe just a text from someone special simply saying “hello” is all you need.
Depression and anxiety are pretty common these days. Chances are most, if not all, of the people in your life are suffering with either depression or anxiety, or maybe both like I am. I only offer this advice, don’t walk away. Don’t turn your back or tell them to just suck it up and be happy. It’s not that simple. Try to be a little more compassionate, try to understand their feelings a little more. Talk to them. Sometimes just knowing that you have someone to talk to at any given time, day or night, is a huge relief. Lift them up, don’t push them deeper into into the darkness. Nobody wins once a person in a fragile mental state gets to that point.
As I’m sitting here waiting for my Hogwarts letter to be delivered… I started to wonder…
Does anyone ever stop to think about how much time we waste waiting for things to happen in life?
Yum!!!! #twinkiss #delicious (Taken with instagram)
Raindrops <3 (Taken with instagram)
Sleepy Bella. <3 (Taken with instagram)
¦Railing¦ (Taken with instagram)